User Profile Friends Calendar

Below are the 20 most recent journal entries.

	2009.06.06  01.12 Well, Well, Well... It would seem I have, after all of this lost time, recovered my livejournal. This of course means I am going to have to start keeping up on my posts once again. Sorry for all of the lost time, my friends. Life goes so fast the older you get. To sum up the large majority of what has happened since I was last heard of: I am happy. I am healthy. These are two things I did not think I would find in my lifetime, and everything I desired. I am terrified of my life. Everything I love could be what destroys me. Love is a scary line that you tread, carefully, suspended stories above and above from the nearest cement sidewalk. Step after step, hesitant and focusing entirely on the balance. If I lose this.... If I fall off that rope... It will be what breaks me completely. I thought I was hopeless, and then he found that little flicker of something left inside of me and he tugged on it, he pulled it to the surface. I would not give what I have now for anything in the entire world. Not for moons, or for empires, or for the clowns that run them. I am devastatingly in love with him. Not the kind of love you dream of as a child, because I have realized a love like that does not exist. Love is not the absense of pain, but a hand to hold while you go through it. So far... So good. Since June 2007, and I am about to spend his third birthday with him. We had a rough patch, and a breakup, which ended up bonding us stronger than ever. I live in Salt Lake City, Utah now. I love it here. I am clean and sober, and my eating habits are in my control. I work 40-45 hours a week at a job I hold(ironically, in Nutrition.), my not-exactly-father-in-law lives with us in our apartment. My boyfriends sister and his baby nephew live next door. I wake up next to the most beautiful man in my world every single morning, and most importantly I never regret the steps that lead me here. ( Life is Good. )

	2008.01.01  01.50 Sierra's journal is FRIENDS ONLY. -Ask if you would like to be added. I don't bite.. hard. ;D -Be prepared for entirely too many image posts. Some will be public. -Please use your brain. I collect; gotta catch 'em all. xoxo, Transient

	2007.10.27  02.35 Remind me to kick myself in the face later. good decision turns to bad decision turns to good decision turns to being so much more than disappointed...... i had the opportunity in the palm of my hand to have a good fucking night. i give it away without a second thought without a doubt. knowing the possibilities of tonight; limited. knowing if i go it would be a 24hr fun, knowing tomorrow would be filled with shit and how much its my fault. knowing the possibilties of tonight; limited! knowing if i didn't go... i risked what made me happy to having fun(which makes me happy). but not like this. not what means something to me. i don't think i've given a shit about somebody like this in a long time... thats disappointed me so much in one hour... fuck. i am fucking crazy for trying. i am crazy for caring. i am crazy for... dare i say it? i am fucking crazy for being someone who fights for what i believe in. for what i even invest a second of my time in... being thought or a somebody. He is a somebody. He is what I will... am.... do anything for. stop me while i am ahead. stop me before the poison becomes me.. it is becoming me. not the side affect of death; the side affect of the toxins bleeding through unfortunately. I can think one thing: "dont become me, give me the reminder..."

	2007.09.28  00.30 life is fucking nuts. how many times over have i said this? and i can promise it will continue.. lets see- currently i am in a relationship, homeless, surviving off food stamps from the state and money i get till i am twenty four... drink 6 out of 7 days a week. my mom has cancer. she flies in tomorrow to visit me.. first time since april. i cut off and burnt most of my bridges. i am healthy(weight-wise) again. I am happy. But I really dont know how the fuck i wake up every morning with nothing bothering me considering the current state of things.. today was the first day i have entertained myself with the idea of Massachusetts again in January so I can get the fuck back on my feet. But to be honest? I doubt i care enough to even try.. we shall see.

	2007.06.11  22.29 ive decided to tryout this whole livejournal shit again. i dont really have the time to put it on the top of my list but im going to have to keep it in mind... there's some business to attend to in the world of the internet. you may as well digitize me. i am data in a pretty package. life has consisted of: champagnge bottle after bottle till im broke. finally slowing down, i need to save my money.. planning the future. working like a madman making ice cream every day of my life and eating it too. i kid you not. 1/3 cup coffee 2/3 hot cocoa add splenda and mix well. this is my blood. I'll be living in Hollywood January. At the veeeeeeery latest March. Not for the 'glitz and glam', i could give a shit less. For the career advancements. making and selling shirts soon soon soon. we need the extra money. my leading lady will outdo any of you. i may be a lone wolf but she is the meat to survival. Don't get me wrong...... i am not trying to make us out to be any better than the rest of you. The difference is we are vocal about how big of a piece of shit each of us is. Fuck you drama induced assholes, you'll be eating our dust and picking up the scraps left behind come next year. mark my words. We are Callowlilly Art. ;D

	2006.12.16  11.42 Life is a more humane way to say insanity tied with pretty packaging. A sparkling bow to make it seem presentable and nice.. the human way out of difficulty, through denial. Each man wearing another mask. Only a few of us willing and able to take it off and see what can be seen through the eyes of reality. It's ugly. Nobody wants to admit it. I am the one standing there ready to collect the eyes of thousands to hold up into the air so they may view life as it really is. Not the pretty package... not the feeling on christmas day surrounded by family, cup of hot chocolate in hand. Brutality and fear are two main human emotions. Reach out and grasp them dont back away from what you are afraid to know. The only way to truely know yourself is to know your limits.. you cannot know those with eyes clouded over What appeals to me is the truth. Take off that pretty bow and let your insides fall out, let your contents spread out on the floor. I'm willing and able to sort through the parts in search of more. I am sick of your clown like grin, spread from chin to ear, ear to chin. Wipe your stupid smirk off of your face full of lies. You are blind to what lays in front of your eyes. I have found my partner in crime. He is by my side and here to stay. The rock for me to grasp on to. The only one I thought I'd never need. Hate what you have when you see what you'll never be. There is a leg wearing my pants that is not mine but only on one side. there is an arm around my waist helping my to balance. I'm entangled by a being taller and thinner than I and the only thing I feel is my heart expanding, my arms reaching out, my mind silently begging for more. I feel myself coming together again... stepping through yet another door. Waltzing down the yellow brick road, bouncing to and fro. I've finally figured out what happiness is and I never want it to go. Now this soul has seen both ends of the spectrum.. I am facing forward ready for what the future has in store. dont worry there are eyes in the back of my head, I am not going to allow let others fall back down on the floor. Mood: happy Music: motley crue shout at the devil

	2006.11.29  13.50 do you ever get the feeling that something really good is about to happen? I'm nearing the peek of this mountain. Anticipation has never felt so enthralling. Waiting is becoming the enemy the clouds have blown away.. no more dreary outcast, life or weather. I couldn't be ask for better. I wake up now excited for the day and what could happen instead of wishing I could go back to the world I live in while i'm asleep. Reality is feeling really nice right now. karma pays off or makes you pay.. think about this No more snake. I dont know if he knows but.. this was the same for me in the beginning. I made no mistake. He'll be angry before he realizes that my actions were justified. He thought he could slither past me but unfortunately for him there is a brick wall at the end of the road. I have met my male alter ego. We are by eachother as often as we possibly can be. Who wants a snake when you can have a panda. This one will be lasting. I'm not one to set my heart on my sleeve but I think he may have seeped into my chest. watch out world our wardrobe is taking over. Life is so busy right now that I can't find the time to sleep. i need some yo-gos and yan yan. You'll get an update the size of a steven king novel in the near future. Mood: ecstatic Music: distillers-sing sing death house

	2006.11.12  15.05 why is it that whenever a person makes any attempt to evade a life of drama it makes an attempt to come back at you ten fold? Living situation is revealing itself more sketch than first noted... I've been offered three options. Masshole once again/Ukiah/North Hollywood. each balance the good and the bad. I'm giving it some time to think over, I don't have the luxery of rash decisions. Love my faerie twin. We are so opposite and so the same it sometimes drives even us insane. I guess thats what seven years does! im so broke its sad hahaha. We have began to collect cans... just so we can afford coffee. I dont understand the person who would rather buy cake and ice cream over caffeine. I began to worry about my panda... Thankfully I finally know he is okay. Coincidentally he played a show nobody knew about until thirty minutes before it happened. I am glad I just happened to be there! I need musiccccccccccccc... seriously my ears are going to pop. I have Dir En grey, Malice Mizer, Kirito, Schwarz Stein, Velvet Eden, Moi Dix Mois(clearly), Psycho Le Cemu, Koda Kumi, Utada Hikaru, and various other songs from random j-artists.. but thats all. ): My CDs have gotten ruined.. I am sad about this. My life is Moi Dix Mois more than ever. Good thing I never get sick of it or I'd be walking death! Daily pattern: Cooking, shower, cleaning, shower, work, shower, and HOPEFULLY time for fun. No joke. Have you ever seen a robot who functions based on the input of the master day to day to day to day until finally the wires fry? ...... That is me. Cyborg girl, hello. Motoko always was one of my favorites (: FUCK THE SOUTH. I hate you Paula Deen. I hate you fucking southern talking cowboys from Arkansas.. Live with it for two months and then please try to tell me it doesn't drive you into even worse addiction. oh.. did i mention that i am REALLY FUCKING SICK of being told I am too thin and need to gain weight... BY PEOPLE WHO ARE OVERWEIGHT? Kiss my ass, you wish you were a zero at 5'8. These ten lbs feel like too many.... Did I forget to mention that I don't conform to the wishes of others? Live your life wishing you looked like something else, I am going to continue to look the way the pleases me. My perception of beauty can show you the cage of its innards by lifting up it's shirt. Rushed into E.R. by one of the few people who understands me. You know who your true friends are when they drop everything they are doing to speed drive you to the hospital. I've been coughing blood galore but recently it's been an all out blood fest left and right. Crashed with a really bad case of the flu which hurt everything imaginable. My immune system hates me. Hospital took chest x-rays like idiots. That was still fun, it gave me a new perspective.. I should get copies. Gave me meds for bronchidus after saying that I didnt have it (???)... Even after I mentioned that I thought it was an ulcer they insisted on meds for bronchidus. Fools. Acid reflex disease and lacking appropriate vitamins and nutrition can cause that to happen after a long period of time. When i die from a bleeding ulcer they will feel like jerks. Finally rented some movies that I really need to sit my ass down and watch after getting suggested them so many times. Clockwork Orange, Pulp Fiction. Halloween was actually rather fun for the first time in who knows how long. Couldn't afford a costume and opted for buying only a pirate hat so I could piece together a pirate hooker outfit out of things I already own. Makeup duty for a couple people, possibly some vodka, then passed out candy, rampaged rich houses for candy, ended up falling asleep in a ball of bodies on one tiny bed to the nightmare before christmas. hahah Cliche for halloween but entirely too cute. My face hurt from laughing by the next day. Halloween night the kitty that I had found a month and a half ago halfway across town walked its little ass right into my home. I kid you not. Orange little kitty. I kept him and he sleeps cuddled against my chest under the covers now. His name is Jack because he looks like a pumpkin and was found on Halloween. yes the jack is from Jack Skellington. I love my tiger. see here!! ( pumpkin king ) My mother is sort of dying in the hospital right now and I am on puppy duty for the chihuahua's due today so I can't write anymore. I am sorry for having almost no time for the internet and my rare updates... more soon. pictures now!.. im warning you there is a lot ( life ) Mood: bored Music: none.. wahhh

	2006.10.07  09.38 Hello i am the night mother here to grace you with the dawn: Have you ever felt your heart contract not from fear, nor love.. hatred nor excitement, but merely the reaction of disgust? I can see the body count, dead flailing arms piled amongst the millions just like them. The new generations only result, their bodies wasted on free booze and drugs. Tell me-can you feel the exctasy while your face digs into the ground? Each one of you in this graveyard lay as simply another mound. No tombstone.. no flower. No tears. How could any one person spoil such a man that lived a life trying to forget? Regret destroys you. Drowned yourself in temporary fixes, the only way life and death mixes.. Eventually the scale will tip as the ball rolls downhill. Nothing can have a perfect balance, the more time goes on the more an object will rust. My black and white vision watches you collect dust. The sad part is... I can't figure out who is stupider. Beauty and anguish walk hand in hand. pick your battles. my battle isnt as hard with life consuming me.. i dont get so much time to think. My thoughts are what cause me so much pain. My mind twisted into a U-turn leading to nothing and everything. Dont worry im not dying right now. Give me another two or three weeks and ask me then. Anxiety attacks frequent at 2 in the morning. I'm smoking. Life of an addict is shit. Dont worry-i dont smoke because i need to. I smoke to get rid of the feeling and calm my shakes down. It is effective and fast. It still takes me a good two-three weeks to get rid of a pack sharing them with others haha We all have to die of something. i have a snake who has slithered his way into my mind. he caught my fancy years ago and lost it over time. haha seems i have been the thing wrapped around his for the last couple of years. ironic how time can cause life to completely reverse. only thing is this snake can actually bring a smile and senses of satisfaction to me. wahh!! we'll see. I am not exactly the best person to entagle yourself with haha blew something like 70 bucks on more pokemon. i cannot get over it. life for 9 years! almost a decade of collecting. i bet i could buy a car if i sold all of them... mint condition cards. my brain would ooze out of my ears if anything were to happen to them. snake and i supposed to be jessie and james for halloween.. but we cant find costumes and I dont have the time to make them ): we'll do it anyways for no reason by my birthday. that i can promise listen to dragonforce!! Hellsing series daily takeover. vampire anime is good. our horse is named Alacard. (sorry not arucard) his bridal is covered in black and silver crosses. hahaha I must look like the insane grim reapers wife on the back of him. im getting panicked about passport photos. i have to do it monday or no carribean cruise.. thats already paid for! blue or pink hair soon. or white. we'll see. it'll be one of these: white/black/blue white/black/pink, blue/black/white, pink/black/white, black/white/blue Same style. Maybe more mullet.. maybe i've noticed.. white is my favorite color and has been for years, black is my favorite accent. But when I am in lying in an abyss of constant shit i am strict to these colors of clothing. Maybe silver accent at most. Since feeling physically somewhat better and not having time for my mental asshole to kick in, I am wearing a lot more color than usual. I wouldnt touch red before.. now im wearing it often. blue(my favorite actual color-color) is on me often, and pink too. its strange. Cheetah print is sexy i decided. i cant get enough drink vanilla soymilk! i have decided mxc wins my fascination endlessly 24 days till free candy. 1 year from now i will be officially working with shiseido. 2 years from now mac. i want shiseido experience first. i am so glad to be back in california. I feel alive!! That in itself is a miracle. I actually wear a smile lately. my friends are the funniest people i have met. Thank god there are people that dont take everything so serious.. unless shit hits the fan and responsibility is needed. So this is what its like feeling more than a wallflower.. I almost forgot ( digital ) Mood: chipper Music: utada hikaru-sanctuary

	2006.10.02  15.02 so you know i am alive!.. sort of very many stories soon so much is going on. i have time to say one thing: stop buying me candy! its too sweet. literally. im going to get fat people hahah fuck. i say this as i eat some of course.

	2006.08.25  16.35 We are all bizarre in this world. Earth is one big carnival of misfortune. Think about it.. in this distant land i once considered how it felt to be you, how the glitz and glam that shined through all the eyes of everyone made them give a damn. i used to wish i was someone else because my mind was that of scars, though your scars were visible. i played pretend because i was my only comfort. i played pretend because acting is something i am good at. i played pretend to convince myself i wasnt the wound of the planet. until the floor fell through until i saw you for you my eyes opened instead of being clenched shut. i may be a scar but you are an open cut. i am healed of your illusion now as a child grows up. No gaping jaw to say 'You taste like chicken', im the worm that crawled away. You are fading away slowly, each day another one taken from your own existance. Your hole opens wider as more eyes see through the dark, seeing right through you to the other side. Watching in silence as the bones of their friend begin to crumble. i stand by you now next to a pile of guts, my eyes sewn to your own. Not even thousands of miles can sever what we have, or make me turn my back in disgust. I know you do not want this. Let me help to pick the organs up. ..true story. i have been very very sick lately. ): then again what else is new, thats pretty much the usual. I am going to die young from my lack of good health. headaches constantly too. there is no caffeine in the house, and all of the coffee is decaf. im an addict. i need caffeinated coffee to satisfy my addiction. give me this! i'd go buy some but.. oh yeah, thats right, im probably the poorest person i know D: always. logan left this morning. i went to her house to say bye at 4 am. it was the quickest goodbye ever but thats probably a good thing. i brought her gabu-nomi and swedish fish for the lengthy plane ride home. it's going to be odd not having a little log around. insomnia getting increasingly worse and worse. i need to see a doctor. i dont take meds but.. maybe he can suggest something herbal to help knock me out every night. if not, then i guess i'll have to cave and take sleeping pills. these habits are not working with my daily life. the most i've slept in one night in the last two weeks is four hours. most of the time im in bed im just lying there staring at the ceiling convincing myself not to get up just in case. i didnt sleep at all last night, not even a wink. (thats why i was able to make logans this morning haha ;D) im dragging ass today but at the same time im not tired. if only i had CAFFEINE things would be more productive. bored out of my mind i took pictures at random hours throughout the night i'll post here hahah they are boring. i didnt realize i looked different every couple of hours though. thats unintentional its raining and cold here.. i love it gengar sent me another survival kit i cant wait to get it! hair dye this weekend staying black. extensions back in. haircut thursday for the first time in forever. nothing is changing, just some splits i cant see getting hacked away.. atleast my hair will be healthy. recommend me a good movie so i have something to do. school goes in for my brother soon(YAY) and im waiting for places i applied at to call me back sooo.. i have entirely too much time and a bad tendancy to watch the same movies i love over and over and over. lately moulin rouge interview with the vampire endless waltz and elf hahah ^_^ i need to buy mulan and other disney movies again soon, ours disappeared and i miss them so much ): if anybody listens to johnny cash.. could you do me a favor and upload anything/everything you have from him to yousendit for me? i have been iching for his voice lately. probably because i am a zombie now and his music is played in dawn of the dead. halloween is soon. i havent done it in years. i think i'll do something cheesy this year! i love this holiday because its a good excuse to become any fantasy related being i wish to and completely get away with it.. plus free fucking candy!! XD last year i dressed up but only because my outfit was authentic. i had bad anxiety and stayed home all night.. i was a mental patient who had been fucked up badly. my eyebrows were all over the place and my scars and bruises and blood looked completely real. well the blood was real, but thats aside the point. that was when i decided special effects makeup is going to be my job one day soon. im better at it than regular makeup even and i love it so much more ( hello nocturnai ) i hate that people have decided its cool to want a disease. very few actually know what it feels like to watch the pieces of the human in you float away day by day.. all they are is lies. if they could only understand what it's like to become your own disease. i am the victim and the killer, powerless to my own power. You couldnt imagine a hate like this. Mood: calm Music: schwarz stein-perfect garden

	2006.08.18  19.22 you cannot break for you are only a figment my illusions overshadow your own. you are nonexistant. live a life to rid others of unwanted life, but when you fall alone you will be forever stuck with the grim reaper. hows it feel to be an incarnation of evil hows it feel to fade into eternal lonliness hows it feel to know that the demons in your head have made you into one of them. you lost your own battle belief isnt convincing yourself and giving a couple hours on the seventh day(or technically the first) you can fool no one else. you do not follow the words you spew go back to a life of acid burn out your own heart for you cannot rise from this disaster. if only ignorance hadnt blocked your admittance you would have had a shot at happiness. hide your stained hands-you are infinitely damaged. I am the lemon of human beings. my engine is in constant motion but something isnt working inside of me. for now it is baby steps. any tomatoe looking in would think it is baby steps backwards, but im repairing some of my parts by chosing a different way of going about things. most parts are beyond repair. im just the sparkling thunderbird with rusted insides. Black satin bedset will be here this week. its beautiful you'll see. i was going to make a quilt but my heart melted for this. nothing fits me now. i mix and match like crazy to stretch what little i have into making it look like i have several outfits. this is why vests and several old pairs of tights are good collecting little porcelain clowns. its hard when you never have money >.< being an alien girl in this world of wax molds. massachusetts is its own museum. im busy wishing i were everywhere but here. Life is going to be even more hectic very soon if things go as planned. when i think about it enough on some level i feel a sadness. knowing what you are losing in the long run can do that.. or atleast being told what you are losing enough times. when i do not think of it i know it is the right decision. my life isnt average. my life isnt theirs. i cannot live the way of others if it is not meant for me. i've always jumped into the fire before learning not to play with it... but on several occasions jumping into the fire was exactly what i needed to do...i seem to jump over the fire instead I am holding onto hope that this is one of those times. i have a reason; i have many. so many ways to wake up in the morning and think 'this is right'. i only fail when i lack motivation or inspiration. this feels like it is the decision to make my life exactly how i want it to be in the long run. if you cannot tell... i have been drawing again! :D live is evil when i am not. Art is my reason for waking up. Hatemail is nice. You're right, i am so ugly.. But atleast i have a face while you hide behind anonymous emails and messages of many kind. (: Hate me because you wish you could see as i do. You love me because i keep you watching even if its in spite. at the end of the day i am the nice one and your emotions overtake you. Mine have evaporated. I am the black hole to an imaginary land. ( carnival ) Mood: sick Music: schwarz stein-bio genisis

	2006.08.03  11.52 Coffee leads to spurts of happiness I'll be in California in September! I am aiming for the week of the twentieth, give or take a week. I will probably be there for three weeks because I don't have to worry about school anymore. I'll be in all different parts from Ukiah to San Diego, but mainly staying in San Francisco. Southern California will be frequented, and I am possibly staying a week of my time right outside of LA. Let me know if you would like to get together! And let me know if you would like to donate hahaha I'll basically be bumming the entire time, any money I get until then has to pay for my ticket to get there. Anything helps! When I come home my mom is going to have gone under the knife and magically have enlarged breasts. The wonders of plastic surgery.

	2006.07.28  10.22 i feel like a zombie. animated and moving yet the mind is somewhere else, evaporated. deteriorating. thirsty for life force. in my case coffee. which we DONT HAVE. Why is satisfaction the most difficult thing for me to find? It used to be so easy. I'd give anything to feel one day of it again. Family life is causing me entirely too much stress. My mother is a liar, my brother a halo obsessed tempermental jerk of a teenager(most of the time), my step father.. hahaha i won't even go there for the sake of your mind. I don't talk to anybody else in my family. The problems occuring here are not mine they are theirs but blind to the simplest of facts, so they are set on the shoulders of the oldest daughter. Just fucking brilliant. I'm growing angrier for promises unfulfilled. All I see is lies. All I hear is lies. You are one big ball of air that spews empty words. One thing is certain, my ball isn't rolling any further down the hill because of this. You will never be the death of me. You will never ruin me. You will never make me everything you wish I was. I'd rather be your biggest dissapointment than my own worst nightmare. One month from now I will be able to breathe again. Oh and it would be REALLY FUCKING NICE to have money. God damn insurance being outrageous. God damn not owning a car. God damn having no way to get to work unless I walk miles in the humidity which clearly isnt happening. I was looking forward to seeing blood and visiting new york but that isnt going to happen now. i cant even afford to go to boston, all of 11 dollars. I can hardly afford my face. Hi frusteration is my new best friend. ( do not doublecross me. ) Atleast I still have this i made a new neopets account too :D Mood: drained Music: techno beats from pure techno volume 2 haha ^_^

	2006.07.15  03.18 Chinatown of Boston yesturday, again. Second time this week! Bubble tea(<3). Green tea. Four packages of wasabi coated peas from a chinese supermarket, along with various goodies to send to a dear friend in California. Getting mistaken for being a mannequin.. several times in various stores. After Chinatown, went to Newbury. Walked until our feet hurt so bad we were forced to sit. MAC. Lots of coffee! Unexpected downers. haha Creepy homeless people trying to pay me to go into an alley with them, while my mom is standing near getting increasingly irritated. That was probably the funniest thing I've seen in a while. Missed our train twice by ten minutes and had to wait over an hour for the next one, both times. I haven't ever been told I look like Elvira so many times in one day. It was the first relaxing non-argumentative day I've spent with my mother in god knows how long. She is psycho godzilla bitch around my step dad.. her personality changes entirely. I am just glad to finally have that one day where I can smile.. Smile a real smile. When you look into a mirror you see merely a reflection. The suit of skin that carries you through the walk of life. If I could provide one thing to others in my life, it would be a mirror for them to glance into their soul. An appearance created by overachieving and having obsessive behavior means nothing if your soul is begging for maintainence and payed little attention to. Go ahead and smile pretty because I gaurantee you that life isnt all poise and promise. Your friends are as black as you. If you continue to see only the outside which shines so brightly in this mortal world, when it comes to an end your eternity will be spent in the pain you made others so mercilessly feel. How's that for karma. When the blind man climbed his way down the dirty stairs searching for the subway that would take him home, I saw him. When he unintentionally ran into me as he kept to himself, I was there to hold him. As he tried to continue down the stairs, thoroughly embarassed, I took his hand and lead him to a bar to help his balance. When he thanked me for my help I thanked him for his. Inspiration to keep your head high and your mind set on making your goals isn't always as obvious as a firework, but I think it's the more subtle things that will leave an impression. ( Real. ) At the very end of my eye opening day in the city of Boston, a man spoke with me for over an hour. A very kind and smart man. I was priveledged for him to seek me out. He was so wise for being only 40 years of age.. As we had to leave for our train he grabbed my arm and said to me, "You are a lot smarter than you let people on to.. You have a gift. I can feel your energy. You searched through my words and now I am sure that you know me better than I know myself. You are a lucky girl, and the way you go about hiding your gift is remarkable. Never forget that, it will get you far in your life." He was right. Mood: groggy Music: none, :( i cant wake people up.

	2006.07.01  02.39 I am exhausted. What sleep I have had recently has not been good and now tonight insomnia wont allow me to even try to catch up one what I have been lacking. My eyelids hurt. I had one cup of coffee yesturday which is nothing. I usually drink close to a pot every morning to keep me going through the day. There is so much I want to say right now but cant find the proper wording. My brain is full of eggs set out on a sizzling sidewalk. They've been ordered scrambled. This will need to be thought out before I speak about. Today: Morning- ( picture overload. critique me. ) Mood: exhausted Music: i wish

	2006.06.18  12.52 look in the mirror anxiety tearing through your veins water spilled on the floor nothing is ever good enough. heart as strong as metal mind floating along as if it were a ghost candy coated colors everywhere every day is a new day. make today the most. dont go to waste, you are supposed to be your strongest pawn. Im trying to follow my own advice... but its always in the mindset. I dont choose to be how i am, it chooses me. Time to take control over certain aspects, before i dissolve into nothing. Ruining myself has never felt so good. Admittance and realization can't make a problem go away especially when you like it. "if you dont fix you, i'll fix you" she said. Things arent as easy as flicking a light switch. My power is out. But dont worry, it should be working again soon. I'll watch you watch me while we wait together so far apart. ( dolly ) Dance in the rain smear away your mask dont let your heart float away keep it in reach always. Today may be the last. This weekend it rained. My hair morphed into an afro of curls from the humidity and trust me.. it wasn't the prettiest sight. Then came the downpour, right onto my body. Splashing in puddles. Baggy clothing. Picking up the pieces of myself. It felt good. I miss the cold. I miss the rain. I miss gloomy so I try to replace it with toys. Its funny how comfortable I am in my own discomfort. My outlook is changing and I think a few weeks from now things will be getting better. I've been on a down now for far too long. You can only go so far before you reach a mountain. Mood: hopeful Music: malice mizer-ju te veux

	2006.06.04  00.49 sisters birthday. I bought her a tokidoki bag and uglydoll. Still owe her ramune and pocky! thayer street. Unimpressed. Then again.. walk haight(san francisco) before thayer(providence) and you'd be too. Conversations better left unsaid. It was going to happen sooner or later. Atleast I won't have as much to worry about anymore. She is understanding and not going to ruin me for it. If anybody is going to kill me then it better be myself. I'm going to be the death of me one day. wasabi peas are the best things on the planet. Three bags coming for me from China town. tofu and broccoli. gummy teeth! Candy Lo and I constantly together. She is the yin to my yang. Today was an enormous peacock search, tomorrow a snow leopard. Bones. Prom makeup hires. They still fight and I continue not to care. The last time they fought I was shoved into the middle to teach the supposedly wise ones a lesson. I said "Things can be great most of the time you see eachother, but all it takes is 10 minutes of rage at one another to break you up forever. The minute you are willing to give up your relationship is the minute you have ruined any hope. You can't fix things later when it all subsides." They have fought once since. My mother slept on the couch instead of arguing. Funny thing is that it began over a printer, and after a couple drinks. If you have any anger stored inside the best thing to do is to not drink in the first place. Only alcoholics have an excuse. Men here don't leave me alone. Not a single soul catches my interest. Look at it from my view there arent many of me there are many of you. How many times do I need to spell out the fact that they don't have a snowballs chance in hell of getting with me? It's not arrogance, it's knowing what I want. Gummm. ( imperfections make you ) Pretty soon I might be platinum. With various other colors of course. It's up for debate. Coffee and work until I reach the point of complete exhaustion. I hate such being a procrastinator. Truly my biggest downfall and a habit that won't change. You all better be well lovesss. For the first time in this state I can say that I am! Mood: optimistic Music: mdm-dialogue symphonie

	2006.05.23  18.48 Once upon a time, I had a moment to sit down and breathe a little. Once upon a time, I would cry for no reason. Once upon a time, I would stare at the night sky, the stars.. the moon. And I would feel at peace.. At home. And soon those times will come to me again. Only I have grown so much. It's amazing what time can do for a person. Stronger, readier, and improving more by the day. This time around, I'm not going to be the girl crying for no reason. This time, I will be the girl who is silent and satisfied, and when speaking, happy. I've learned to push inner turmoil away. This time around, my feelings are hiding to all but me. I am Ms. Self-Destruct. Fading away? I'd rather burn out. If there is one thing life has taught me by now, it's to always trust my intuition. My tickets are being bought this week. I have a coffee date with my mother on Thursday and I'm breaking the news. She's going to cry like she did this morning, when I asked her to go to that little cafe with me. And though it will seem like I am sad for her loss too, I won't be. I'll be standing there, holding her.. rubbing her arm and comforting her. Being the person there for her like I have always been, even if she hasn't been there for me. That's what a family is for. Even if the roles have reversed. I believe I'll be flying into San Francisco July 15th. Home. ... I hope Anton is ready, because I know I'm not! haha Let the good times roll. ( I'm buried under snow. If I freeze until I slip from existance then no one is to blame.. but myself. ) Mood: drained

	2006.04.29  17.14 Oblivion. There was a man named tooth-in-the-sea. I don't know about you, but I'd like fins now please. Exploding today. ( mask. ) No more family dinners. I eat carrots, they fight. I eat nothing, they stay silent. I eat a portion of food, they eye closely. Sometimes respect is paid in silence. Either way.. July I leave back to California. Mood: weird Music: logans voice <3